Amazoning (Picture credits: Lisa Cyr & Meg Doiron)

K, I've been putting it off for a while cause its a big job, but its finally time to start putting up some of my Xmas vacation pics. Pretty much all of them are about me AmazoningTM in one of the top places in the world that you can do it: The Amazon River and maybe the rainforest. I'm not sure if I was in THE AMAZON RAINFOREST but I know I wasn't in the Amazonas State while vacationing. Although I was only about 150kms away AND I did spend some time in an official Amazonas airport in Manaus. But I really don't know what the definition of an rainforest is at this moment (for those who want to know open this up in a separate window or tab never taking your eyes off my captivating scripture). According to this picture I may or may not have entered a real rainforest.

Despite my ambiguously defined triumph, I am confident that have conquered some sort of milestones in the process of this trip. Lets see how glorious my half baked adventure was. Now I often find that the most accurate way to document glorious adventures is by narrating them in a non-fictional manner. e.g.: by NOT drawing special attention to any one particularly handsome heroic yet metropolitinized figure, or by NOT inventing significant portions of the events that took place. However if a particularly handsome, witty and heroic figure was to play a pivotal role in the story I would consider it my duty to report on it during the tale. In a similar light, if for any reason I felt that it would be necessary to invent a significant portions of the events that took place, I don't see how I could not do so.

That said here is how the most-amazing-real-live-story-ever begins:

It was a very tense morning in Santarem. The smell of blood was still lingering in the air after the a long night psychological warefare and a hand to hand combat. I had risen to the occasion by defeating our enemies and had protected the clan all night from guerrilla forces and the constant threat of mutiny.
To restore peace and order I quickly learned to communicate with the local fauna who I placed in military control of the land while I continued on my journey.
Before long I had parted the Amazon and led my people to the promised land. However since I had already done all that parting work (which for me wasn't all that hard) I decided to build a small paradise in between both sides as an act of sheer Tomfoolery.

Bewildered by my own accomplishment and awesomeness I reflected for a brief moment captured in this timeless photo which will be remembered by all for eternity.

Later after having taken first prize in a light reflecting contest I pondered my nobel prize winning theory on the correlation between bicep power and epidermal pallor.

Here are 2 from one of my many international legions of fans. They recognized me and pleaded to be photographed with me. I agreed to this only because I knew that they were orphans and this would likely be the highlight of their confined lives. Incidentally, this photo was used as the cover for one of my Time Magazine "Man of the Century" awards.
I then proceeded to lead my people up to the top of the glorious heights atop the highest mountain of the Amazon, where it is appropriately customary to mock the camera by hissing at it, enticing it to engage in a photoshoot-off (which I won).

With my people in their Promised Land and away from any danger, including rays which can be found under only millimeters of sand or deadly sand ticks which can embed themselves in your friends toe or latch onto you for an extended period of time before being detected at the end of your journey... I begun a new quest and brought along 3 of my most trusted Generals:

The first army I encountered was a vicious and aggressive one, lead by some sort of half-man-half machine cyborg. Although their technology was advanced, it proved no match for my cunning. I unhesitatingly crashed the leaders robot by confronting it with a series of childlike paradoxes which it was not programed to deal with. But the victory was short lived as I had more nemesi to defeat.I then proceeded to either
1) Hunt down and destroy a small but powerful wizard who had ruled the land since the begining of recorded history.
OR
2) Discovered a the remains of a lost civilization which holds secrets that will one day save mankind.
As I proceeded journeying through the treacherous forest at record setting pace, I decided to build a small factory in the to give the locals a sustainable way of generating income. Upon return to the community I informed them of my recent achievements and that they were now the proud subjects of a new economy and would never again have to answer to an iron fisted dictator. (I guess decided to go down the "destruction of the powerful wizard" route)I then decided that, with this thriving new economic engine I created for them, the community would need a new source of food to accommodate their upscale lifestyle. So I devised a complicated patented maneuver that would allow one to catch a fish even under the driest of desert conditions.
It was at that point that I remembered a time tested proverb: "if you give a man a fish you can feed him for a day, if you trade a fish to a man in exchange for his boat, you can increase your stronghold on the fish market". I immediately executed the trade upon my return so that I may rule the new economy that I generously gave them, using one of my many iron fists.
This here is a picture of Kelly, a well known local damzel in distress who I easily freed from the likes of...
This man: An uptight international timbre mogul, know only as Sir Thomas Kensington the 3rd of Cheshire, son of King Bedevere. Thomas had been enjoying a reign of uninhibited terror on these people since the dawn of time through his Wall Street muscle and Capitol Hill political influence. However I found him unchallenging as a foe. After toying with his ego, I quickly defeated him and absorbed his vast empire.
This picture commemorates the great raising of my flag. As is customary when conquering a people, I always have their greatest warriors hold up my flag at a height of no less than 10 feet during the entire length of my invasion. I feel that this tradition - although inhumane and a complete invention of my own - is tradition nonetheless and must be continued without compromise. As the warrior was not regulation height I commissioned the community to build him stilts with the remainder of their firewood. Naturally they were happy to oblige to their new Overlord. However before leaving I decided that tradition is not very important anyway, so I had the warrior remain on the stilts holding up my flag at a height of no less than 10 feet FOREVER, just in case I should return (You can never be too careful in this type of situation). Also it wards off future conquerors who would surely recognize my trademark and cower away in fear and loneliness.
As a final act of defiance and dominance; I decided to climb the 10 tallest trees in the world. This picture was taken only seconds after I accomplished this seemingly impossible, yet for me; trivial task.
This concludes this chapter of my plausible tale which happened.

For more undeniable proof that this adventure took place visit this site and behold it in all its glory:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/borderlys